Saturday, December 20, 2008

I Love These; Blog Break Reflection; Forgiveness

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After Jesus, my husband...these two sweet kiddos make life such a blessing! I LOVE THESE!!! Our kids?... a barrel of fun, joy,...even frustration and tears, but we learn from each other and grow. (I learn more from them then they do from me. :)

Kids have a way of showing us what really matters...you know...keeping us grounded. We don't always recognize some of those ways they keep us grounded.

For instance: Lately, I've been spending way too much time on the computer. Rather than them coming out and saying it (which they have before) they usually act out to get attention. When they were younger they would do things to get my attention...like get wild, and do things to get under my skin intentionally...get loud, get wild...wait I said that...lol, come and interrupt me like 100 plus times so I can't think and finish what I am doing. Well...they are older now, and still take this approach. lol!...usually means the same. They want my "one on one" time. :) And for more than just a 30 min block...like they want ME exclusively...to talk with, share with...sing with...or just be there with them and listen.

The past couple of days I've limited my computer usage. Not blogging as much lengthy blogs lately...until now! lol!

I've been praying about this, and believe that I need to have an internet fast. Seriously.

God has been working on me personally about using my time wisely.

I've noticed that some have so many internet things going on... twitter (which I just recently joined-but GAH, can't keep up with it all! lol), facebook, myspace, blogs, flickr...a list of even further things I have seen on others that I have never even heard of to tell you the truth!

I wonder what is it all really for?? Is it to share my life? Is it to fill a void in my life? Or to get praise and compliments? Is it to reach the world for Christ? Is it to encourage others? Is it some of these, or none of these things at all?? I'm asking myself these questions, and taking a hard look... and even questioning my own motives to be honest.

In the beginning, my thought was to encourage others for Christ, to learn, and to share my life experiences. Also, to preserve those memories by way of photos and recordings. To grow as a writer and photographer. To get my thoughts out. It is also fun to see what new things are out there that can help make life a little easier on moms. There are so many wonderful, talented and knowledgeable moms on the internet! So much spiritual wisdom to gain too!!

Still, I'm wondering if it is more important to be off of the computer MORE so...and really into the real world even more. Into my family even more. Where they have more of my FULL and undivided attention. I mean...we can all "check out" in different ways. Hey...TV, Sports...Movies...all ways to forget reality for a moment...to do things that give us pleasure.

Sometimes I wonder...is life for those of us in the blogger world really as good as it looks on the blog-side...all the time??? Is it really that good on the inside too??...where no one is rly looking?

To be honest, not for me always! 'Cause let's be real...it takes a lot of time to gather thoughts, get them down, upload photos, edit photos, get them on the blog...etc etc...it just takes time...not to mention the computer isn't always as fast (if you have an older model like myself)

I try to do these things at night so as not to take time away from the kids...then I'm not getting my sleep. So then I'm a tired and cranky mama...nobody likes a tired mama...and if mama ain't happy, no one is happy! lol! Not to mention keeping up with 3 to 5 other sites I'm a part of. :S

Isn't it easy sometimes to hide behind these masks that we all put on? Come on...we all have done it, at one time or another. Whether we want to admit it or not. ;) You know...the painted smile, when we feel like screaming...AAAAAAAAAAAHHHH! lol!

I'm not here to judge, believe me, I'm judging myself! Only putting the questions out there to think about.

For me personally, I can't see how on earth all of these computer programs can be kept up with regularly without something suffering for it... and truly have the family quality time that gets recorded so often in the blogging world. And WOW, the full time working moms out there...GAH, don't know how you keep up!

Don't get me wrong, I'm not "knocking" the blogging. I do really love it! Only putting some personal thoughts out there to reflect on. First with myself, and then whomever wants to join in on the pondering, feel free.

I've also noticed other blogs where people try to share their heart and beliefs about things, and they get creamed! I mean, the whole purpose for a blog is to share, encourage and even rant and rave if that is the mood for that moment. Yet, some take things so to heart and so personally that they think everything written is about them.

Some might say that is called selfish or self-centered...that is what I think too. When a person automatically thinks something is about them...they are usually putting themselves first in the scenario of life.

Aren't we all selfish though? I mean, when it boils down to it, we in our human nature are just selfish beings at times. We came into the world crying...demanding to be fed...

Took me 4 yrs of counseling to learn that NO, not everything is about me. :) And NO I'm not the center of the universe, nor do I have all the answers in life...can't fix it...etc. I've also learned that when I allow myself to be offended, I'm no better than the person doing the offending. Ouch, and I still don't get that sometimes. (my toes are bleeding here!)

So moving right along in my blog and what comes next? Forgiveness...(toes are now flowing the red)

Usually the one offending is going on about their business and won't give it another thought. In fact, they may even treat the other person like, "what's with them??" and try to get others on their side with it all too. Hmmm, been there and done that too...I've been on the giving and receiving end of that scene. Yet we all act like "we never"...

This past week our small Bible study group meeting was about forgiveness. I've always thought of myself as a fairly forgiving kind of person. Awww, I'm nice...NOT!

Someone wrongs me...I smile and say awwww it's ok. I'm over it...really...REALLY...have I convinced you yet...I"M REALLY OVER IT!!! ;) But seriously, are we really as happy go lucky as we appear to be? Sure, some of us might be...not I said the little red hen!

Am I really dealing with it? Or, did I just "sweet" (yeah, i said sweet and not sweep) it under the rug with the pile of other dusty wrongs. Or am I secretly waiting for revenge? These are hard questions to really ask oneself, and to look at "truthfully"..."honestly"..."carefully"..."thoughtfully".....such beautiful words! Aren't they? :)

Some people walk through life and never want to "get real" with themselves. They never want to take responsibility for anything. It is always easier to blame the other person, ignore them, or write them off. I don't want to become this kind of person. Nor am I willing to always take the blame either. So I am continually on this quest of dealing with forgiveness in my own heart, and questioning my motives. This verse comes to mind:

Psalm 51:10 (New King James Version)
10 Create in me a clean heart, O God, And renew a steadfast (right) spirit within me.

Let's face it, the chambers of the heart can be quite messy at times.

One thing I learned about forgiveness...it is for ME more than the other person. Ah, we can be a little selfish so to speak when it comes to forgiveness. :) The one who offended me may never know the depth of how they hurt me, but I do. I remember that hurt, but can make a choice to "let them off the hook" or release them into God's hands. This takes the burden off of me, and leaves it with the Lord. He knows how to deal with us all so much better.

Throughout my life, there are deep wounds that only God truly knows about, only He can understand, and only He can work them out with me. A lot of those past wounds, mixed with current wounds that can crop up (some not as deep, yet still hurtful) continually place me at a crossroads of choice....to make a decided choice to forgive...over and over and over...it is continual.

Jesus said to forgive seventy times seven...He meant this in terms of multiplicity...

Matthew 18:21-22 (New King James Version)

The Parable of the Unforgiving Servant


21 Then Peter came to Him and said, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Up to seven times?”
22 Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.


First forgive others...and sometimes forgive myself too. Jesus forgave and never brings it up again. Boy I have a lot to learn about forgiveness!

2 comments:

Jaime said...

Great post. I definitely think that a persons blog is just a small part of their life. I know that I don't share nearly everything on mine even though I try to be as real as possible! Merry Christmas!

Jenn said...

Hi Jaime, I can definitely tell you are real in your blog. You are of great encouragement to me, especially as a sister in Christ. Guess I've just been doing so heavy reflective thinking within myself and had to get it out. :)

Thanks for stopping by and commenting. We been real sick in our household since right before Christmas, and I'm still battling flu-like symptoms. The cough and gunky stuff seams to linger. Christmas was still a very special time for us.

Hope you had a very Merry Christmas! Blessings to you and your family. jenn