Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Just Me and My Thoughts

Today it is cold and raining outside. Blah. I guess we need the rain though.

I am glad we got two walks in outside with J yesterday. It was so sunny and warm here. David had taken her during the lunch hour, and I took her later in the afternoon about 4:30PM. We won't be able to go out in this cold mess today.

Ok, just a little of me sharing my feelings today.

I've not had a fibromyalgia "flare" in quite some time. The last few days my body has been in a lot of pain though. I don't complain about it, but at one point I had to make it clear to husband. I've been doing most of the lifting of J, bed pan round the clock(even in the hospital), shifting and moving of her, bathing/showering her...feeding her. She is much better at helping push up, and getting stronger. Yet, I still have to do this with her as a spotter because she has had set backs with severe pain in her shoulder blades, as well as her back. It is my pleasure to do it all, and I LOVE being her nurse, but it is beginning to take a tole on my body with this fibromyalgia and osteo-arthritis.

It frustrates me so much because in my younger yrs, I was a like a work horse that couldn't be kept down. I could do physical labor, work at all hours, and keep going like that battery bunny...on and on.

In the past 8-10 yrs, at times I am like a cripple and it is so frustrating to a type A personality like me. God has taught me a whole lot through it though...about relying completely on HIM...taking ridicule, like HE did...

I'm in no way comparing myself to Jesus, yet I have been able to somewhat identify with a portion of what He must have felt at times to be in so much pain, and no one understanding or really caring....or even being the brunt of joking during His pain (and by His own people too).

David walking J yesterday was the one thing I asked him to specifically do that was more "physical". He has helped me at times carrying items up and down the stairs, such as the chairside commode (It goes over he toilet seats to add height and it has rails for her too-we have a bathroom upstairs and downstairs...so it comes up and down along with all of her pillows and needful items)...bringing things up the stairs for us...helping get meals...helping with laundry. He has been a big help overall. It is just the lifting and physical stuff getting to my body. I'm doing all of this the 8 hrs he is not with us. Now that I am home, I am doing more of these things, and also still the physical stuff with J.

Whenever I ask him to help her up and down the stairs, or in and out of bed, he says..."she only wants you to do it". And I understand that, but I've got to have some physical relief! Also, I still have not caught up from not sleeping the whole week at the hospital.

Things like taking J to the bathroom and showering her is one thing that I know she would rather only I do, but those are really the only things. Even if he helped me with sitting her up on the bed, and walking her up and down the stairs, that would help. I am going to talk with him tonight...with J, and help her understand that I love doing this for her, but daddy has got to help us too.

This morning I am in a lot of skeletal/muscular/joint pain. I've done so well with my fibromyalgia, that people forget. I totally believe God has healed me, but I do have symptoms that occasionally arise. My ribcage hurts... in between my ribs when I breathe, and have overall flu like body pain going on right now.

I've got to be extra careful of my body mechanics because I have an injury from childhood that has caused my neck/cervical to have major issues. If it goes out, I'm in big trouble and will be back in Physical Therapy, or possibly spinal fusion surgery myself.

After our son was born back in 1998, (and after a few months of carrying around that cute hunk of love on my hip) I turned to get out of bed one morning, and something popped in my neck and I saw a flash of light in my eyes. I couldn't move. David had to pull me out of bed screaming.

It was then, that I went to two different spine specialists. The first told me that I needed fusion in my C4-C5 area of the spine. He said the ligament holding my vertebrae was severely stretched... looking like I had been hit by an 85 mile and hour vehicle...head on! OR that I toppled head over foot...55 mph down the side of a ski slope. He said it was a very old injury from when I was very young and told me what he believed to have caused it. I opted for a second opinion...

After going to the second spine specialist, he confirmed everything the first said, but he said we could try physical therapy, and do a breast reduction to alleviate added weight pulling on my cervical. He believed this would work for awhile. Therefore, I opted for that. Most ladies would think that crazy, because most women are looking for bigger boobs. I was a 42 EE, so I had plenty to lose! I was looking for PAIN-FREE. :)

First, I went through 6 mons of intense physical therapy. All of which I did without the spinal cortisone pain shots. When I had children, I had so much trouble with my epidural, that I decided I would avoid anything going into my spine if at all possible. I'd literally pass out on the table while the therapist would work on my spine.

The PT did help, then I had the surgery in Dec of '98, and it helped additionally. The spine specialist said that eventually my spine would deteriorate to the point where fusion would be the only option.

Even to this day, one vertebrae is out of line and taps my spinal cord. The specialist told me this is why I have a sense of missing steps when I walk down stairs, or stumble a lot like I am a drunk. I have to be extra careful with J on the stairs so that I don't lose my footing while assisting her.

So, as I am caring for J, this is all on my mind too. She and I are both practicing good body mechanics together. I am always reminding myself of this, because right now would NOT be the time for my back to go out.

David may have to kick in with this heavier assisting, whether J likes it or not because if momma is down, things are not going to go well. You know?

I know all of this is NOT cancer that J and I are dealing with. And it could all be so much worse. Yet we are in pain and have our struggles...each in different ways. If someone hasn't been through these things, then they have no idea. Even so, every person is different and we should not judge, but have compassion for one another, not dismiss others struggles. I'm preaching to myself here too!

Each person's pain on this earth is real to them....whether physical or emotional, and thankfully our loving God is concerned about every part of our lives. He doesn't ever say to his children, "suck it up and stop that crying". I believe He lays beside us lovingly and cries with us...He shares that way in all of our joy, sorrows and pains. And it is OK to go through even LONG seasons of sorrow. Sorrow and pain always draw me nearer to the Lord:

Ecclesiastes 7:2-4 (New International Version)

2 It is better to go to a house of mourning than to go to a house of feasting, for death is the destiny of every man; the living should take this to heart. 3 Sorrow is better than laughter, because a sad face is good for the heart. 4 The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning, but the heart of fools is in the house of pleasure.

These verses bring me comfort today, may they comfort all who read it:

Lamentations 3:31-33 (New International Version)
31 For men are not cast off by the Lord forever. 32 Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love.

2 Corinthians 1:2-4 (New International Version)
3Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.

I am looking forward to this day:

Revelation 21:3-5 (New International Version)

3 And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. 4 He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."5 He who was seated on the throne said, "I am making everything new!" Then he said, "Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and and true."

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