Thursday, November 10, 2011

Thankful Thursday - Comfortably Numb

Today I am thankful for two awesome children. We are learning so much together as we home school. I'm learning from them, as much as they are learning from me. Together we are learning from God's word, and I'm even re-learning Algebra. Fun Fun! They are both such a blessing to me, and I'm thankful for them.

It is turning a little colder as we draw nearer to the close of this week. I think we are going to have a few days of high 40's, low 32ish. Burr! Clear skies, so probably no snow in our area.

Tonight DH is taking DS out for some father/son time. DS is really looking forward to this. They are going to have some bonding time that is long overdue with all that we've had going on. It will be a good time for them.

DD is making a list of ideas for she and I to do. I'm looking forward to time with her too! She and I have fun together, and I'm sure we'll find plenty to do around here. Or we may venture out to the larger city.

I'm doing better as far as the move. I do 'like' it here. Good days and hard days still.

Past few days, I've sort of been flat about it. One night of tears. Anyway, I've accepted it, but it still occasionally stings...missing people. The holidays are just a little tough in general with missing many loved ones, especially those of ours who have died. There is this funk I get into, and don't even realize I'm in it sometimes. It rolls around on birthdays of the loved one, or holidays, or anniversary of their death.

I'm doing pretty good overall. Considering it took me 3 yrs to get over our move to eastern NC from western NC...I'm in a MUCH better place in comparison. It is hard that after the 4th yr, we were moving again. It causes me to hesitate to really open up my life and connect with people, because we may move again.

I'm learning to accept God's plan most often upsets ours, even though it HURTS sometimes!!! It isn't about ME ME ME. I just get the privilege to GO THROUGH it. Like many other painful losses. Can't get around it....can't go backwards, can't side step it, or hurdle over it (run ahead of the process). Must GO THROUGH. Like pressing against a raging vortex at times.

Today, I'm 'comfortably numb'. You know me, I'm honest........not going to pretend like I'm joyful Jennifer, when I'm not. I'm not saying I don't have 'joyful' moments (many more lately than not), but not saying it is easy and without sad moments either.

Yeah, This is where I am at today.....comfortably numb. When I'm like is like the lyrics of the song I've posted here..."Hello, is there anybody IN THERE???? Just nod if you can hear me!!" Some days DH has to knock on my head (so to speak) to see if anyone is home. Grief does that too.

Most days are GOOD for the most part.

That balance will come, and the joy is coming. For now......

The words of this song describe me in this moment. My 'drug' of choice is the Word of God and the Holy Spirit who gives me what I need to make it through the days...some days harder than others. God's word always has what we need.

Some days more joyful than others. Some days... neutral. I'll call neutral...'comfortable numb'.

This song reminds me of my late father. My father died in Sept of 1997. He died of a heart attack suddenly when I was pregnant with DS. and DD was so little. A dear friend brought us a bag of snacks to take on the ride to FL (Thanks Ging). We were living in NC at the time. Our Aunt allowed us to drive her beautiful luxurious car to have all the room we needed for traveling. I remember the drive to FL. It was bittersweet...I was BIG and pregnant too!! The drive back to NC was worse, was it tough. Mainly because I had no time to spend with my family, no time to be with them and grieve with them. It was hard...which made it a little more difficult to get through it.

Anyway, my father loved Pink Floyd...and would play 'The Wall' tape on our drive to stay with him at Ft. Pierce Beach. My parents divorced when I was young, and we would stay weekends with my father, and weeks in the summer with him too. My father once owned two corvettes at one time....and he liked to drive them extremely over 90-100 mph once when he took us to the beach. He liked 'speed'. He was a free spirit......and we were along for 'the ride'. He liked to play Pink Floyd, Bob Seger and the Silver Bullet Band....and Rod Stewart. Songs really do spark memories.

My wonderful grandparents were usually there too. They would take us on the beach, while my father and grandfather worked. Or sometimes I would go to work with my grandfather, and he'd let me drive around in the groves while he checked on crews that were harvesting oranges. The beach was a place of peace and solace for me. Which is another reason why I very much miss living near the ocean now. It was nice while it lasted.

AnyWHO. This too shall pass. Going to enjoy time with our family in western NC during Thanksgiving. That will be a fun time! And tonight I'll have fun too.

Here is another song that makes me think of my father.....

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